Ever Changing Rainbow River

It must be nice to not care. To not worry about trivial arguments and how that makes you feel. I hate when I get like this. I think I just care TOO much. Sometimes beyond the point of reason. I care so much about what people think of me, what my friends think of me. That such simple, trivial things just... get to me. Its as though it doesn't even register to other people, such tiny things, words and feelings simply make no impact on them, whereas it explodes in my mind.

I hate this. Why I put so much effort and care into such things like friendships, even if it doesn't appear that way. But more than anything I crave affection, friendly loving affection from those around me. But a majority of the time, I don't receive any. This make me crave if even more and when I don't get it, I work myself into a depressive state of mind, that continues to fuck with me. Not basic friend behaviour, basic care, but hugs and deep and meaningful conversations and truly caring. Even if that's bullshit, sometimes it feels like that. I absolutely adore my friends but I never feel like they feel the same way. I actually just feel alone, even when I'm with people. Not 'all' the time, I must add.

Sometimes I feel I expect a higher level of affection and love and care than is just to receive. That isn't fair on others. But is this and unrealistic expectation? I only have a small group of friends, who I adore and stupidly expect to be adored by. There isn't really anyone else there. To receive this level of importance and affection and love from. When I get the shyest inkling that someone I love just doesn't care, I put on a blank face and stop speaking. It has occurred to me, at times, how easy it would be to just stop talking completely. And if anyone would notice, or even care. Just a random thought. So simply not caring and not worrying about this would be the easier alternative to mentally sulking.

I wish I was like that. I wish, when this type of thing happens, I was the one on the other side, just staring at this girl who was over reacting over the smallest of annoyances, these 'not even arguments'. It would be easier, rather than being stuck in my own head, repeatedly going over these incidences and making mountains out of molehills, and continuously contemplating every thought. Convincing myself of everyone's secret hate for me. Fuck this is shit. I sound so fucked up. If it helps. I'm not.

It must be nice to not care. And like this ever changing rainbow river, everything changes and even the thoughts in my head. It might be different tomorrow. But next time some trivial argument with the person I love and respect most happens. The process will begin...Again.